I didn't do this one ahead of time so it might take a bit to get this done.
Reframing one of the most painful moments in adolescence is a very hard thing to do and maybe that was why I did not do it. There are a number to times that I could pick, but I think I was hoping to block them all out. But there are times that they do come back and it is time that I pick one and take a good look at it.
... I had one in mind, and was going to do that one, but then another one came to mind that I think is more painful and might explain a few things in my life. Again I think it is something my parents did not know about.
When I about 8 my family had to move because my father was in the air force. I had a few friends, one was a boy and it was that young boyfriend girlfriend thing that is all innocent and the most you do is maybe hold hands. I told this boy that I was coming back in four years. I did not know if I really would or not, my father could be transferred anywhere. But I was sure I would be coming back and see him.
I did come back to the same base. I was now 13. All the girls and boys were starting to 'date' still not to the point of doing anything towards the sexual, but still the girls were being excerpted by the guys. I realized that the boy was still there to. I got the guts to tell him that I was back, that we could be friends again.
I was shot down. I was told that I was stupid to think he would even know me. He wanted nothing to do with me and he put me down in front of his friends.
1. I was so embarrassed. I felt unwanted, ugly and stupid. I was crying and heartbroken.
2. I think since I have had a greater fear of not being liked. I am always willing to do whatever I need to, to be liked and loved. This means I have lost who I am so many times trying to make other to like me, to love me, and not to be angry at me.
3. Being sensitive, I have taken what people think of me very personally. I fear that people will think of me in the same way as he did that day. I have a hard time believing people who think that who I really am is good enough, beautiful or even close to smart.
4. I do not think if they had known about my sensitivity that it would have made any difference. Kids are cruel and they do not worry about other's feelings and might even use that even more.
5. If I had known about the sensitivity at that age, maybe I would not have let the even shape what I thought about myself and I would not have spent so many years trying to be not what I was, and not what people thought of me dictate must of my life.
6. My sensitivity had affected the way I looked at myself, making me afraid to trust anyone who had anything nice to say about myself. I had no one to help me understand that I was too sensitive to what he had said and that just because he might have felt that way, does not mean that everyone else did. I am not stupid, I am lovable and wanted. U am just sensitive.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Chapter 4 Your Childhood
As Lady Gaga said "I was born this way" and this is true about being highly sensitive. It seems to be hard to explain to non-HSP's that this is a trait that we were born with and not something that we 'learned'. Like blue eyes, I think I am the only one who has blue eyes out of my parents and my brother. I am also the only one who has kept a blondish colour hair. You can wear coloured contacts and you can dye your hair, but you are still the colour you are born with.
Being highly sensitive is what I am and I have accepted it. No one knew anything about it when I grew up and all the attention was put on helping me with my learning disability. Having both growing up has made my childhood difficult but not in the family home. I got the best support they could give, not knowing about the HS. They did what they could get get me help with my learning disability, even got into a privet school to help me with it. It is now really looked at as learning differences for I learned differently than others.
Being highly sensitive is also learning differently in that we take in more information and process it differently. I think since sensory processing sensitivity was not even thought of while I was growing up, the 'depressions' and shyness I was going through was a mix of both the learning and sensitivity differences. So when they thought that once I was helped with the learning disability it would help get rid of the depression. That was not the case and I still had ups and downs.
So, assessing my early childhood attachment style. I feel that my mother (the prime caretaker) was loving and was aware of my sensitivity though no one knew it as a trait. She was helpful when I needed it (or asked) and let me learn on my own when I needed. I have good memories of that part of growing up.
School was a whole different problem. I remember the teacher saying I was cheating. I had a habit of starting into space to daydream, or to 'see' answers on blank wall. She keep telling me that I was cheating. I was then made to see in front of the class. This would have been bad enough, but then there was a cardboard divider put around me, a box so that I could not see the class. To me that was the most embarrassing moment in my life. Not only was I pointed out as a 'cheater' I was also pointed out as different from everyone else. I remember that there was a kid in the class that had ADHD and he was able to sit in the back of the class and just roll around on the floor and 'play', ignored for his difference.
This made me feel that I was 'wrong' to be different, because I thought differently I was treated differently. Part of it was my learning disability part of it was because of my HSP. I was very sensitive in how I was treated.
I never wanted to seen as different. Different was looked at as someone to make fun of. Being on the front of the class made me feel like everyone was looking at me, watching me even thought the box was hiding me.
If the teacher and my parents knew I was HSP maybe I would not have been pointed out as much. Maybe I would have had the strength to say that I was not cheating but 'daydreaming' for the answer. I might not have felt so different and I would not feel that school was a hurtful place to go.
There was nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me. I am just different, but not alone, there are many just like me. I have wonderful, interesting qualities such as my passion for creativity. I needed to be raised with special care, though they learned about the learning disability, no one new about the HSP trait. Above all, I needed to have more successful experiences and never been shamed for the sensitive reaction. A lot of pain would have been prevented if people knew about the trait but I am a more compassionate person because of it.
Being highly sensitive is what I am and I have accepted it. No one knew anything about it when I grew up and all the attention was put on helping me with my learning disability. Having both growing up has made my childhood difficult but not in the family home. I got the best support they could give, not knowing about the HS. They did what they could get get me help with my learning disability, even got into a privet school to help me with it. It is now really looked at as learning differences for I learned differently than others.
Being highly sensitive is also learning differently in that we take in more information and process it differently. I think since sensory processing sensitivity was not even thought of while I was growing up, the 'depressions' and shyness I was going through was a mix of both the learning and sensitivity differences. So when they thought that once I was helped with the learning disability it would help get rid of the depression. That was not the case and I still had ups and downs.
So, assessing my early childhood attachment style. I feel that my mother (the prime caretaker) was loving and was aware of my sensitivity though no one knew it as a trait. She was helpful when I needed it (or asked) and let me learn on my own when I needed. I have good memories of that part of growing up.
School was a whole different problem. I remember the teacher saying I was cheating. I had a habit of starting into space to daydream, or to 'see' answers on blank wall. She keep telling me that I was cheating. I was then made to see in front of the class. This would have been bad enough, but then there was a cardboard divider put around me, a box so that I could not see the class. To me that was the most embarrassing moment in my life. Not only was I pointed out as a 'cheater' I was also pointed out as different from everyone else. I remember that there was a kid in the class that had ADHD and he was able to sit in the back of the class and just roll around on the floor and 'play', ignored for his difference.
This made me feel that I was 'wrong' to be different, because I thought differently I was treated differently. Part of it was my learning disability part of it was because of my HSP. I was very sensitive in how I was treated.
I never wanted to seen as different. Different was looked at as someone to make fun of. Being on the front of the class made me feel like everyone was looking at me, watching me even thought the box was hiding me.
If the teacher and my parents knew I was HSP maybe I would not have been pointed out as much. Maybe I would have had the strength to say that I was not cheating but 'daydreaming' for the answer. I might not have felt so different and I would not feel that school was a hurtful place to go.
There was nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me. I am just different, but not alone, there are many just like me. I have wonderful, interesting qualities such as my passion for creativity. I needed to be raised with special care, though they learned about the learning disability, no one new about the HSP trait. Above all, I needed to have more successful experiences and never been shamed for the sensitive reaction. A lot of pain would have been prevented if people knew about the trait but I am a more compassionate person because of it.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Shutting Out Sound
Sounds, since we can not close our ears, sounds are hard to shut out. Covering your ears with your hands makes it hard to do anything else. But they do have a lot of new and old things that will help when we are being overwhelmed by the noise around us.
One is to carry earplugs. I worked in a factory a while ago and we didn't have to wear them, but I believe it would have been better for me if I had. The foam ones are great, they roll in you fingers, are places in your ears and then fatten up in the ears to fit.
With new technology, there are phones that can be turned of or you can use ring tones that are much gentler. There are apps. that can be used on your cell phone that create white noise or sounds of nature to drown out other noise. These phones are also great for listening to music when you need to. I use to listen to music while on the bus. I could concentrate on the words to the songs and not see the bus get more crowded as we made stops along the way.
If you can, you can soundproof your home. This is hard to do when living in apartments, but there might be other ways to go about it. Even if it is putting up a fake wall. We can ask or move to quieter corners when we are out.
One thing I have done for years is sort of downing out the sounds. It started out just daydreaming. And then I just started concentrating on what I was doing to the point that I was not really hearing what was going on around me. This helps with trying to change the thoughts about the sound to, putting your might on something else so that the anger of the sound being a bother is not in the front part of your thoughts. This is not easy, but if you can do it, it does help.
One is to carry earplugs. I worked in a factory a while ago and we didn't have to wear them, but I believe it would have been better for me if I had. The foam ones are great, they roll in you fingers, are places in your ears and then fatten up in the ears to fit.
With new technology, there are phones that can be turned of or you can use ring tones that are much gentler. There are apps. that can be used on your cell phone that create white noise or sounds of nature to drown out other noise. These phones are also great for listening to music when you need to. I use to listen to music while on the bus. I could concentrate on the words to the songs and not see the bus get more crowded as we made stops along the way.
If you can, you can soundproof your home. This is hard to do when living in apartments, but there might be other ways to go about it. Even if it is putting up a fake wall. We can ask or move to quieter corners when we are out.
One thing I have done for years is sort of downing out the sounds. It started out just daydreaming. And then I just started concentrating on what I was doing to the point that I was not really hearing what was going on around me. This helps with trying to change the thoughts about the sound to, putting your might on something else so that the anger of the sound being a bother is not in the front part of your thoughts. This is not easy, but if you can do it, it does help.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Umbrella
I read in Elaines's workbook about using the idea of an umbrella to
protect yourself from the moods of strangers when you are out. I have been doing something similar with what I called my bubble, but the
book said to try to picture an umbrella. As an HSP I am a receiver of other's feeling, moods and tones and this leads to processing deeply the information around me.
Then the umbrella is down it can collect all the
emotions that others are giving off. But if you open the umbrella it can
bounce those emotions back to them and not be affected by them. You are broadcasting that you are not receiving their moods but saying to them, "Hello, I am busy and doing my thing."
You think about the umbrella up and your mind is thinking about what you need to do so that you are not receiving but sending out that you are busy. I have done this a number of times, with my bubble, but I am also seen as not friendly. Sometimes I have missed seeing people that I know, not acknowledging them. I do not have a smile on my face and they see me as unhappy. This has happened at work. I am in such deep thought, trying to get things done, that people think I am not liking what I am told or asked to do, completely miss reading my attitude. So here is a question, how do you protect yourself and seam friendly at the same time? We all see through fake smiles.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Not Doing What You Need?
If you are spending too much time in, or spending too much to out you need to really think about why you are doing that. When it is about your health, it is important to do what is best for you health. Ask yourself why you are no doing it.
But there are times when you really do not have a choice. I had two children to raise so I had to go back to work every time I had the chance. But was it worth it? I would be able to work about two years before I would be told that I had to quite so that they didnt have to let me go for not being happy enough. That might sound fishy and maybe I could have fought keeping my jobs if I had known about being highly sensitive, but I only knew that I was a cry baby and I could not get myself happy enough for anyone.
A lot of the cases it is that we are expected to be like everyone else and about to work just as long, just as hard, and be like them. I am not like the non-HSP's and no matter how hard I try, I will never be. Now that I know about being a HSP I am trying to adjust what I am doing. But the thoughts are still in my head that I should be doing more, be more 'normal' but this is jeopardizing my health.
I need to slow down and think about my health. I need to stop working until bed time. I need to start taking a day off each week and taking time off, a whole week a couple of times a year. I am not normal, I am me and I love and am accepting me as I am. I can physically work just as hard and as long as anyone else can, but this is not good for me for I get overwhelmed with all that is going on around me. My central nervous system can not take all the information it is taking in.
This is about my and your health and we need to take care of ourselves because no one is going to do it for us.
But there are times when you really do not have a choice. I had two children to raise so I had to go back to work every time I had the chance. But was it worth it? I would be able to work about two years before I would be told that I had to quite so that they didnt have to let me go for not being happy enough. That might sound fishy and maybe I could have fought keeping my jobs if I had known about being highly sensitive, but I only knew that I was a cry baby and I could not get myself happy enough for anyone.
A lot of the cases it is that we are expected to be like everyone else and about to work just as long, just as hard, and be like them. I am not like the non-HSP's and no matter how hard I try, I will never be. Now that I know about being a HSP I am trying to adjust what I am doing. But the thoughts are still in my head that I should be doing more, be more 'normal' but this is jeopardizing my health.
I need to slow down and think about my health. I need to stop working until bed time. I need to start taking a day off each week and taking time off, a whole week a couple of times a year. I am not normal, I am me and I love and am accepting me as I am. I can physically work just as hard and as long as anyone else can, but this is not good for me for I get overwhelmed with all that is going on around me. My central nervous system can not take all the information it is taking in.
This is about my and your health and we need to take care of ourselves because no one is going to do it for us.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
More About Balance
As HSP's we are continuing to find our balance of whelmness or stimulation. We can not function at our best if we are overwhelmed or underwhelmed. So we need to find our balance. Working on finding the balance is very important and is not a selfish act. I know I feel guilty for thinking about myself and I need to change that. I need to get my life balances and take care of myself so that my nervous system is comfortable and I am happy and healthy.
I would go though times when I was out too much and then have a complete meltdown, then I would become in too much and the non-HSP's would tell me that I needed to get out, do things, work lots of hours. I didn't understand why when I was out doing what I was lead to believe I was suppose to do, why I would continue to become overwhelmed to the point of meltdown. It was called depression, bipolar and anxiety. Now I know I am HSP and need to learn the balance.
As an introvert, I need to get out more, Many HSP's are introverts, but not all. I do not have much trouble getting out, I just forget that there is and "outside world" out there. So what can I do to get out there more, to get a reminder that there is a world out there.
* I do go to the post office every chance I get. It is something I was made fun of by an ex because getting mail was the excitement of the day sometimes. Ok, I was living on a hill, out in the country, there was not too many people out there.
* I could call a friend or someone I want to get to know, except my friends live very far away. I have one in Nova Scotia and one in England. I live in Ontario and that is a lot of 'space' between us, but I do email one all day and this has been great.
* If you have trouble getting out or a fear of going or doing something, bring a friend or support person. This person could motivate you and get you out more. My daughter wants to walk more and I should go out with her so that we have that time together to.
* Go for trips, short ones and long ones, whatever you can handle. We go to the beach during the week, when it is a lot less busy. It is beautiful and with so many less people around, you can enjoy the sun and the water. There is nothing like feeling the water flow over your feet and then retreat.
If you are one of the few that go out too much and find yourself tired and overwhelmed as I have done for five straight years, we need to find the balance of being in more. I am learning how to do this to.
* I read that I need more sleep. With this past year it took me some time to get that balanced, but I found that 9 hours is the best for me. I have slept 12 hours, was shocked with that. I adjusted the alarm so that I do not sleep past the 9 hours. If I need more rest later in the day because of being overwhelmed, I can take a nap with my cats who are good at letting you relax.
* Another thing I am having trouble with is taking time off. I should be taking a day off, no work, no errands, no blogging, but I have not been able to do that as of yet. I still feel like I am not doing enough.
* Plan a vacation... what is that, oh yes, I did that for the first time in many years about three years ago. I when to BC and when I got back I was blamed for thinking about myself too much. I had too much fun and didn't think of other enough. But now that I know about the HS. The vacation was exactly what I needed to do and it was the start of a new life. I need to plan more of these, one a year at least but should be closer to three, at different times of the year. So far, I have not does so... bad me.
* I meditate each morning, this keeps me from rushing into the day. This is about the only thing I have been able to enforce myself to do.
* Have a dark room that is quiet and lets you rest, meditate or read when you need it. This is my bedroom and it works well besides the cats. I feel at peace there and even if i just lay on the bed for five minutes it makes a big difference.
* Eat healthy meals, we all know what is healthy and not, but it is not always easy to do, I have been drinking smoothies, have to fight my baby, Phoenix (cat), for it. I throw in a little extra iron for I know that is what my body needs. There are many different smoothies to have that are healthy.
* There is many other things that are relaxing, there is reading a book, playing a gentle game (not the shoot-them-up kind), writing a journal or even a story, use aromatherapy; lavender is a good scent to use, while doing these things.
* Take care of our sensories, such as wearing headphones, sunglasses, a hat, or remembering to carry a healthy snack such as something with protein.
* Last but I think the most important thing is looking at your relationships, not just the person you are living with, but also relatives and friends and people you are around most of the time. You need to get rid of the negative ones if you can and learn to live with the ones you can't.
This could mean a big change in your life, but YOU are the important one. I have been doing a lot of adjusting in my life and I am careful with who I deal with now. If you are not good for me, I am sorry but I have to let you go. I need support not put downs and negativity. To be healthy I need to think of me and take care of me. I hope that you will help me be all I can be and still be me.
I would go though times when I was out too much and then have a complete meltdown, then I would become in too much and the non-HSP's would tell me that I needed to get out, do things, work lots of hours. I didn't understand why when I was out doing what I was lead to believe I was suppose to do, why I would continue to become overwhelmed to the point of meltdown. It was called depression, bipolar and anxiety. Now I know I am HSP and need to learn the balance.
As an introvert, I need to get out more, Many HSP's are introverts, but not all. I do not have much trouble getting out, I just forget that there is and "outside world" out there. So what can I do to get out there more, to get a reminder that there is a world out there.
* I do go to the post office every chance I get. It is something I was made fun of by an ex because getting mail was the excitement of the day sometimes. Ok, I was living on a hill, out in the country, there was not too many people out there.
* I could call a friend or someone I want to get to know, except my friends live very far away. I have one in Nova Scotia and one in England. I live in Ontario and that is a lot of 'space' between us, but I do email one all day and this has been great.
* If you have trouble getting out or a fear of going or doing something, bring a friend or support person. This person could motivate you and get you out more. My daughter wants to walk more and I should go out with her so that we have that time together to.
* Go for trips, short ones and long ones, whatever you can handle. We go to the beach during the week, when it is a lot less busy. It is beautiful and with so many less people around, you can enjoy the sun and the water. There is nothing like feeling the water flow over your feet and then retreat.
If you are one of the few that go out too much and find yourself tired and overwhelmed as I have done for five straight years, we need to find the balance of being in more. I am learning how to do this to.
* I read that I need more sleep. With this past year it took me some time to get that balanced, but I found that 9 hours is the best for me. I have slept 12 hours, was shocked with that. I adjusted the alarm so that I do not sleep past the 9 hours. If I need more rest later in the day because of being overwhelmed, I can take a nap with my cats who are good at letting you relax.
* Another thing I am having trouble with is taking time off. I should be taking a day off, no work, no errands, no blogging, but I have not been able to do that as of yet. I still feel like I am not doing enough.
* Plan a vacation... what is that, oh yes, I did that for the first time in many years about three years ago. I when to BC and when I got back I was blamed for thinking about myself too much. I had too much fun and didn't think of other enough. But now that I know about the HS. The vacation was exactly what I needed to do and it was the start of a new life. I need to plan more of these, one a year at least but should be closer to three, at different times of the year. So far, I have not does so... bad me.
* I meditate each morning, this keeps me from rushing into the day. This is about the only thing I have been able to enforce myself to do.
* Have a dark room that is quiet and lets you rest, meditate or read when you need it. This is my bedroom and it works well besides the cats. I feel at peace there and even if i just lay on the bed for five minutes it makes a big difference.
* Eat healthy meals, we all know what is healthy and not, but it is not always easy to do, I have been drinking smoothies, have to fight my baby, Phoenix (cat), for it. I throw in a little extra iron for I know that is what my body needs. There are many different smoothies to have that are healthy.
* There is many other things that are relaxing, there is reading a book, playing a gentle game (not the shoot-them-up kind), writing a journal or even a story, use aromatherapy; lavender is a good scent to use, while doing these things.
* Take care of our sensories, such as wearing headphones, sunglasses, a hat, or remembering to carry a healthy snack such as something with protein.
* Last but I think the most important thing is looking at your relationships, not just the person you are living with, but also relatives and friends and people you are around most of the time. You need to get rid of the negative ones if you can and learn to live with the ones you can't.
This could mean a big change in your life, but YOU are the important one. I have been doing a lot of adjusting in my life and I am careful with who I deal with now. If you are not good for me, I am sorry but I have to let you go. I need support not put downs and negativity. To be healthy I need to think of me and take care of me. I hope that you will help me be all I can be and still be me.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Finding the Middle
Now that we know why we should not be over stimulated all the time and being under stimulated either, for this is when you can over think and are bored;we have to find where the middle is. This is hard for us to find. Let's face it, we are always trying to do more then we should be, trying to make everyone happy and doing as much work as we can so that we do not look week.
Even though being over whelmed can be unhealthy for us, being underwhelmed is just as bad, as I said, before, being bored is not good. I am an introvert which people saw me as shy, but I still get out quiet a bit, maybe less so not, but being an introvert has never stopped me from being out. I am a little more cautious when I go to big gatherings, but it does not stop me. I am more of a wall flower, but if people want to talk to me, I am there, I am friendly even though I might look unfriendly.
I do find I am tired when I come home after a gathering, but that is ok, I can deal with that as long as I get the chance to rest.
My daughter will say she is bored and I look at her, wondering how to be bored. I am always learning new crafts or reading a new subject and writing or working. I have no idea what bored is. I do not have time to play games though I do play words with friends because it does not take a lot of time and it puts me 'out there' when is it so easy for me to just keep to myself.
I have a Canada Day gathering to go to and I have no issues going. I can step out when things get too much. But I know I need to go out and show people that I am still alive. I like talking to people and knowing how they are doing, but the small talk is not easy for me. I feel I sound fake. But it is part of being social.
It is finding the middle that I find hard. I have been going on overwhelmed for so long that I find it very hard to relax. I am working on it.
I try not to work too much, though the voice in my head says I should be. I like learning new skills and I like reading and writing. The reading is relaxing and cuddling is to. I am working at having the computer shut down by supper. It is hard, but I am working on it, finding the middle.
Even though being over whelmed can be unhealthy for us, being underwhelmed is just as bad, as I said, before, being bored is not good. I am an introvert which people saw me as shy, but I still get out quiet a bit, maybe less so not, but being an introvert has never stopped me from being out. I am a little more cautious when I go to big gatherings, but it does not stop me. I am more of a wall flower, but if people want to talk to me, I am there, I am friendly even though I might look unfriendly.
I do find I am tired when I come home after a gathering, but that is ok, I can deal with that as long as I get the chance to rest.
My daughter will say she is bored and I look at her, wondering how to be bored. I am always learning new crafts or reading a new subject and writing or working. I have no idea what bored is. I do not have time to play games though I do play words with friends because it does not take a lot of time and it puts me 'out there' when is it so easy for me to just keep to myself.
I have a Canada Day gathering to go to and I have no issues going. I can step out when things get too much. But I know I need to go out and show people that I am still alive. I like talking to people and knowing how they are doing, but the small talk is not easy for me. I feel I sound fake. But it is part of being social.
It is finding the middle that I find hard. I have been going on overwhelmed for so long that I find it very hard to relax. I am working on it.
I try not to work too much, though the voice in my head says I should be. I like learning new skills and I like reading and writing. The reading is relaxing and cuddling is to. I am working at having the computer shut down by supper. It is hard, but I am working on it, finding the middle.
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