Why I Write

Homework for the Effective Writer course

I writing for a number of reasons even though I may not be good at it. Because of my learning disability, when I was in grade school, I was not able to write the words dancing around in my head. I was a very quiet girl who sat in the corner of a class room and kept all my thoughts to myself. My mother tried to get me to use the computer, but I fought her. Computers where not a household thing at the time and I had no idea how much it would have changed my life. It was not until I was on my own with my two small children that I really started writing. At first it was poems and short stories. I even wrote a children's book called, "Christine's Ducks." I found that the words I could not speak would flow down my arms, though my fingers, and were typed out across the screen.The words were not my own, but from a much deeper voice in my head that was only heard through my writing or dreams; my inner child who was so quiet. I enjoy seeing the unspeakable words, come alive on the screen. The child who could not speak was now writing the stories and feelings that swirled so deeply in my mind. I soon found a site where many writers gathered each year to write 50000 words in 30 days. The rush and feeling of pride I felt each time I would beat that time frame gave me some of the positive awards that I needed in my life. I was never wanting to be known to write only one genre of writing. Though I do have a story that has been said I stack bodies like cords of wood and I have been stuck writing only fantasy for the last few years with a bit of what I call hack and slash, I do write romance and have put together a mini comic book. This year I am planning to write a ghost story.The voices (characters) have been talking to me so that their story can be heard. As you have read, even though I might have problems with the grammar part of writing, I write to bring out my inner child so the stories that are deep inside can get out.

What Grade is This?

So I have been taking some courses and I should have been putting some of my stuff on here, but for the last two months I have not been feeling all that great. I have been working on the self-esteem thing and really didn't find them all the helpful. So I just let my depression take over until I had a meltdown and started looking for help. This time I am going to get all my thoughts and feeling out.
I have decided that the best thing for me to do is get right back to writing but I want to do a whole bunch of courses before I get right down and write again. With my learning disabilities I realize that will never be as poetic as any or the master and I will be lucky if I will get a publisher to pay for anything I write, but I do have some things to say and if I have to give away the first few things, then so be it. But I will learn what I can and I am taking courses that should improve my writing and broaden what I can write about. I am learning quiet a bit.
One of the courses I am taking is Crafting an Effective Writer. The first week was just an introduction to on line learning and all the stuff on being a good student, like the first day of school. This week we are going into the school work. And I am learning all about nouns and pronouns and adjectives. They want to to have a journal to write in so that I can go back and study. They seam to think on line journaling is good and since I had this site started before I thought, what the heck, I will do my school work here. So here I go:

Ten Nouns:                     Verbs:
cat                                     cries
Kit Kat                               sleeps
chair                                   falls
doll                                     sits
desk                                   broke
drink                                  warmed
teapot                                cooled
Smokey                             meows
box                                   fell
rug                                    flips

Ten Adjectives                   adverbs:
young                                  loudly
fluffy                                    sofly
wooden                               quickly
old                                      slowly
broken                                 briskly
hot                                       friendly
small                                    angerly
dirty                                    lightly
soft                                      very
wet

I will be adding the writing assignments to and maybe lessons from other classes I am taking.

Feel the Fear

Only a couple of days ago I ordered a book though a gift card I got and it got here in a matter of a few days. Yet a letter that was coming from Cambridge is not. Makes you wonder...
Anyways once I opened the book I realized I needed the other book to go with it. At least that one I could get through my Kobo Arc. SO I am starting a new workbook that I will be putting my answers here. And since I have so few people reading it I should not have any problems with people not liking it. These books are not about Highly Sensitive, but I think they will still help many who also have fears that they have to deal with.

The books are "Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway." and "Fear The Fear.. And Beyond" both are by Susan Jeffers. There books were pointed out by my Sister-in-common-law. She was reading them and thought I could use it so I got them and will be doing the exercises here to share with those who might like to follow along.

The first one:

The fears the run my life are...

the fear that people do not like me (mostly close friends and family of those close to me)
the fear that I will mess up
the fear that I will do something that will make those who I love angry at me
the fear that I would fail again
the fear that I will be emotional in public
the fear that I am not smart enough, good enough
the fear that I will never be the real me

Ok that is a start and they are very deep to me so I hope you will not hold them against me.

Writing a Letter

One of the hardest thing for me is to sell myself for make my talents in an interview or even in casual conversation. But when looking for work or job change you need to write a cover letter or bring a few things to their attention. So I thought I would give it a try and share it with you.

I would bring a few assets to this position with my experience in running my own business. Many have noticed I have a sensitivity to subtitle changes in the environment around me which helps with the wants and needs of my customers. I am work well independently and dislike making errors. I take special care in understanding what the customer wants and have a good eye for detail.

I enjoy taking my time in learning new technics and thinking out side the box. I find that maximizing this sensitivity requires a certain amount of calmness in the work place which then pays off by the quality of work. I am open to ideas and loyal when I feel that I fit in with the other employees.

OK, this might not be the best cover letter, but you might get the idea here. I hope this helps with others who are HSP have an idea what to write for theirs.

More About Balance

As HSP's we are continuing to find our balance of whelmness or stimulation. We can not function at our best if we are overwhelmed or underwhelmed. So we need to find our balance. Working on finding the balance is very important and is not a selfish act. I know I feel guilty for thinking about myself and I need to change that. I need to get my life balances and take care of myself so that my nervous system is comfortable and I am happy and healthy.

I would go though times when I was out too much and then have a complete meltdown, then I would become in too much and the non-HSP's would tell me that I needed to get out, do things, work lots of hours. I didn't understand why when I was out doing what I was lead to believe I was suppose to do, why I would continue to become overwhelmed to the point of meltdown. It was called depression, bipolar and anxiety. Now I know I am HSP and need to learn the balance.

As an introvert, I need to get out more, Many HSP's are introverts, but not all. I do not have much trouble getting out, I just forget that there is and "outside world" out there. So what can I do to get out there more, to get a reminder that there is a world out there.

* I do go to the post office every chance I get. It is something I was made fun of by an ex because getting mail was the excitement of the day sometimes. Ok, I was living on a hill, out in the country, there was not too many people out there.

* I could call a friend or someone I want to get to know, except my friends live very far away. I have one in Nova Scotia and one in England. I live in Ontario and that is a lot of 'space' between us, but I do email one all day and this has been great.

* If you have trouble getting out or a fear of going or doing something, bring a friend or support person. This person could motivate you and get you out more. My daughter wants to walk more and I should go out with her so that we have that time together to.

* Go for trips, short ones and long ones, whatever you can handle. We go to the beach during the week, when it is a lot less busy. It is beautiful and with so many less people around, you can enjoy the sun and the water. There is nothing like feeling the water flow over your feet and then retreat.

If you are one of the few that go out too much and find yourself tired and overwhelmed as I have done for five straight years, we need to find the balance of being in more. I am learning how to do this to.

* I read that I need more sleep. With this past year it took me some time to get that balanced, but I found that 9 hours is the best for me. I have slept 12 hours, was shocked with that. I adjusted the alarm so that I do not sleep past the 9 hours. If I need more rest later in the day because of being overwhelmed, I can take a nap with my cats who are good at letting you relax.

* Another thing I am having trouble with is taking time off. I should be taking a day off, no work, no errands, no blogging, but I have not been able to do that as of yet. I still feel like I am not doing enough.

* Plan a vacation... what is that, oh yes, I did that for the first time in many years about three years ago. I when to BC and when I got back I was blamed for thinking about myself too much. I had too much fun and didn't think of other enough. But now that I know about the HS. The vacation was exactly what I needed to do and it was the start of a new life. I need to plan more of these, one a year at least but should be closer to three, at different times of the year. So far, I have not does so... bad me.

* I meditate each morning, this keeps me from rushing into the day. This is about the only thing I have been able to enforce myself to do.

* Have a dark room that is quiet and  lets you rest, meditate or read when you need it. This is my bedroom and it works well besides the cats. I feel at peace there and even if i just lay on the bed for five minutes it makes a big difference.

* Eat healthy meals, we all know what is healthy and not, but it is not always easy to do, I have been drinking smoothies, have to fight my baby, Phoenix (cat), for it. I throw in a little extra iron for I know that is what my body needs. There are many different smoothies to have that are healthy.

* There is many other things that are relaxing, there is reading a book, playing a gentle game (not the shoot-them-up kind), writing a journal or even a story, use aromatherapy; lavender is a good scent to use, while doing these things.

* Take care of our sensories, such as wearing headphones, sunglasses, a hat, or remembering to carry a healthy snack such as something with protein.

* Last but I think the most important thing is looking at your relationships, not just the person you are living with, but also relatives and friends and people you are around most of the time. You need to get rid of the negative ones if you can and learn to live with the ones you can't.

This could mean a big change in your life, but YOU are the important one. I have been doing a lot of adjusting in my life and I am careful with who I deal with now. If you are not good for me, I am sorry but I have to let you go. I need support not put downs and negativity. To be healthy I need to think of me and take care of me. I hope that you will help me be all I can be and still be me.

Finding the Middle

Now that we know why we should not be over stimulated all the time and being under stimulated either, for this is when you can over think and are bored;we have to find where the middle is. This is hard for us to find. Let's face it, we are always trying to do more then we should be, trying to make everyone happy and doing as much work as we can so that we do not look week.
Even though being over whelmed can be unhealthy for us, being underwhelmed is just as bad, as I said, before, being bored is not good. I am an introvert which people saw me as shy, but I still get out quiet a bit, maybe less so not, but being an introvert has never stopped me from being out. I am a little more cautious when I go to big gatherings, but it does not stop me. I am more of a wall flower, but if people want to talk to me, I am there, I am friendly even though I might look unfriendly.
I do find I am tired when I come home after a gathering, but that is ok, I can deal with that as long as I get the chance to rest.
My daughter will say she is bored and I look at her, wondering how to be bored. I am always learning new crafts or reading a new subject and writing or working. I have no idea what bored is. I do not have time to play games though I do play words with friends because it does not take a lot of time and it puts me 'out there' when is it so easy for me to just keep to myself.
I have a Canada Day gathering to go to and I have no issues going. I can step out when things get too much. But I know I need to go out and show people that I am still alive. I like talking to people and knowing how they are doing, but the small talk is not easy for me. I feel I sound fake. But it is part of being social.
It is finding the middle that I find hard. I have been going on overwhelmed for so long that I find it very hard to relax. I am working on it.
I try not to work too much, though the voice in my head says I should be. I like learning new skills and I like reading and writing. The reading is relaxing and cuddling is to. I am working at having the computer shut down by supper. It is hard, but I am working on it, finding the middle.

Active Imagination

I have had a creative imagination as far back as I can remember, I would make up stories to put me to sleep at night. The problem was I could never get them out of my brain onto paper or tell about about them. I also have had some vivid dreams that were full of color, sounds and feelings. These two parts of our brain is the conscious and sub-conscious.

From different readings and such over the years, I have learned that the sub-conscious holds a lot of information that many times the conscious has no clue about. Some people have blanks in their past and then start having nightmares as the sub-conscious is trying hard to tell us things that if feels that it is time for us to know. A lot of times these things are not easy to live through again for that was why we have the blanks.

Though we might be afraid of what the sub-conscious knows, it is best if we open the door or damn and let the thoughts and feeling through for a number of reasons. We have prejudices and rules learned when we were young that do not fit to who we are or do not fit with any way of life. The thoughts and ideas from the sub-conscious can easily flood us and overwhelm us if not meeting it half way to help smooth the path of what it wants to tell us. It does not want to hurt us with nightmare and stormy feelings, but it just trying to tell you what is going on.

Some one of the ways that your sub-conscious tries to tell you what it wants you to remember is through dreams or odd behaviors that leave you wondering why you feel that way. Another way, and one I know very well even though I might not know is through the body. The last few weeks I have been biting the side of my tongue while sleeping. I am holding a lot of tension and clamping my jaw down, waking with a sore jaw and my tongue swollen. I have no idea why I am stressing at this time, but I will have to take time and listen to what my body has to say, what my sub-conscious is trying to say and since they do not talk to me using words, I will have to learn to 'listen' in a different way.

So how can we do this besides waiting for a dream that could be days or weeks away. In Elaine's workbook she talks about doing active imagination and writing down what is happening. You must proceed with caution if you are not in therapy or counselling because of the intense feelings or reactions you might have.

First you must find a quiet, safe place to sit where you will not be interrupted. I do meditation so it helps to relax and do deep breathing. When you are ready, you can invite you sub-conscious to speak. This can be done in many ways, with a left off dream, a feeling or image that wants to speak, or the inner child that we need to learn to take care of. Once your invited 'subject' had spoken, you can talk to it, ask questions whatever it takes you as long as it is 50/50 and you are not guiding it. If you start to wonder, bring your attention back to your invited subject. Write down what is being said and what is happening.

There might be resistance, but do not judge what it is or how ordinary it might be. In time it could have a lot more to say as you react to it as a real subject.

After you are finished with the active imagination, it is important that you follow through and do what your sub-conscious has shared with you. This is important for this is why you are having the aches and pains or stress. This is what needs to be done so that you can have balance . It could be something as simple as writing a litter or making the phone call or something a lot bigger. But ignoring it will only have your body screaming at you and your body suffer under stress. I should know, I am under stress now and will have to have a sit-down with my sub-conscious and have a talk and find out what it wants me to know.

Chapter 2 Going Deeper Mind Story

We are all unique and we are needing in this world even though we might not be seen as valuable. We think deeply before we take action and we would be the first to sense danger. But we are usually quiet and inverted. It is time to let people know how we think, what goes on in our heads by writing an adventure story that shows what our body and mind is like.

Cast
Brennan      Nersy
Bray           Harue
Ember        Bonner
Mya

The Escape

Brennan stood up, when the last person arrived to the daily morning huddle. Today he planned to make sure everyone understood what needed to be done. Each had a job to do if they were going to get out of this alive.

Looking over to Ember, Brennan knew she looked like the weakest of them all, but she was the most important to make all this work out. He knew he would have to be tough with her to get her going.

He knew Ember could feel him looking at her but she refused to look up. Her eyes, with tears rolling down cheeks, stared down at her hands as the index finger continued to make circles over her thumb of her right hand.

Nersy, her husband paced back and forth behind her, not stepping more than a few feet out of her reach just in case she needed him. Brennan knew that Nersy would be angry at him once he realizes how much pain his wife will be in when things start moving.

Bonner slipped lower in his seat as his shoulders curled in to try to make him look smaller. Only a select few saw the pain he was in, though Brennan didn't think that even Bonner himself knew how much pain he was in. It was as if speaking of the pain was bad luck. He, himself, did not believe is such a thing, but he kept quiet just the same. Beside Bonner was Mya who was just as silent with her pain as her husband. She clung onto his hand with fear she would have to let go.

Brennan's eyes found Harue. He could see how unsure she was with having this meeting; by the way she looked at each one of them, wanting to make things better. He knew that once she made her mind up on something, everyone else would follow. Brennan wished he could take her into his arms and take her pain away. He was one of the few who knew just how strong she was. He loved her strength, her smile, her laugh. It might be a long time before he would hear her laugh again.

Taking a deep breath, he tore his eyes from the woman he loved.  There was no reason to put this off any longer.

''We are going to do this now, no thinking, no turning back, and no second thought.'' They were not the words Bray had planned to say, but with one glance at his twin brother, he realized he took the words right out of Brennan's mouth.

''No, no, we cannot do this now.'' Nersy said as he stopped pacing and stood behind his wife. Ember reached up for his hand, looking for strength.

''Nersy, I can't do this, I am not ready yet.'' Ember said in a small voice.

Bray stepped behind his wife and gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze. Harue reached out and took Ember's arm and rubbed it. Bray’s felt the fluttery feeling of pride as he realized that his wife saw things his way. This gave him the strength to follow his brother with this. Now was the right time.

''We are doing this together; no one is being left behind.'' Bray heard in Bonner’s voice that he too was with them now. Bray felt the tension leave his body as each one of this little group decided that he was right. They all had to leave together and they all had to agree to do this.

There was many times where Bray and his brother would disagree. Brennan would want Bray to be less emotional and be strong; stand up and fight for what they believe. Bray wanted his brother to see that the others needed to be taken care off and not ignored all the time. They needed time to adjust to change and not just jump into things without much thought.

Brennan took his eyes away from his brother's wife.

''There is no time to talk about this any more. We leave now!'' Brennan knew he might have been a little harsh but they needed to get going. He headed out, not bothering to see if anyone was following.

No one said a word as each helped each other out of the seats and started following Brennan. Nersy took Ember's hand and gave her a reassuring squeeze. He never let go of her hand as they followed the others. Mya and Bonner were in each other’s arms as they pasted Bray at the door. Bray took the end of the group, as he watched his wife turn to Ember. He knew she was whispering encouragement as they walked away. No one looked back.This was a big step, walking away, leaving without a word to the “others.” But as they moved forward, the negative stayed behind.

Cast
Brennan - left brain     Nersy - nervous systom
Bray - right brain        Harue - heart
Ember - emotions       Bonner - body

Mya - muscles