Why I Write

Homework for the Effective Writer course

I writing for a number of reasons even though I may not be good at it. Because of my learning disability, when I was in grade school, I was not able to write the words dancing around in my head. I was a very quiet girl who sat in the corner of a class room and kept all my thoughts to myself. My mother tried to get me to use the computer, but I fought her. Computers where not a household thing at the time and I had no idea how much it would have changed my life. It was not until I was on my own with my two small children that I really started writing. At first it was poems and short stories. I even wrote a children's book called, "Christine's Ducks." I found that the words I could not speak would flow down my arms, though my fingers, and were typed out across the screen.The words were not my own, but from a much deeper voice in my head that was only heard through my writing or dreams; my inner child who was so quiet. I enjoy seeing the unspeakable words, come alive on the screen. The child who could not speak was now writing the stories and feelings that swirled so deeply in my mind. I soon found a site where many writers gathered each year to write 50000 words in 30 days. The rush and feeling of pride I felt each time I would beat that time frame gave me some of the positive awards that I needed in my life. I was never wanting to be known to write only one genre of writing. Though I do have a story that has been said I stack bodies like cords of wood and I have been stuck writing only fantasy for the last few years with a bit of what I call hack and slash, I do write romance and have put together a mini comic book. This year I am planning to write a ghost story.The voices (characters) have been talking to me so that their story can be heard. As you have read, even though I might have problems with the grammar part of writing, I write to bring out my inner child so the stories that are deep inside can get out.

Reframing a Moment in your Relationship

This one will be the hardest and those who know me might not want to see what I was feeling or what I thought. I am sure if some of them read this I will be told that I am wrong or that I should not say anything. But these are my feeling and I think about it. I have to deal with them this way so that I can not make the same mistakes again.

The relationship I am reframing is one of the ones that I feel had done the worst damage. By doing so it will take care of the others also.

1. Anger, depression, frustration, anxiety, overwhelmed, lack of trust, pushed. Him angry at me. His calling me bitch when he was drunk and five minutes later wanting to get into bed with me and have sex like the rest didn't happen. Him loading me down with all his issues but not allowing me time to speak about anything I might think or feel. Him telling me that he had done things I had said no about, days after it happened. "Asking for forgiveness was easier than asking for permission."

2. I feel like I wasted five years being with him. I feel guilt for the harm that I caused all the children let alone myself. I am hurt that his children will have nothing to do with me after all the love I gave them. I am angry at myself for falling for his charm and staying as long as I did when I knew I had to leave. I am upset that I have let this anger stay inside me.

3. Because of the HSP's I tend to be motherly and I thought I could be a mother to his kids. Thinking that I could do this, I put my own hurt a side to be a mother to them, thinking love will heal all. I also though I deserved the bad relationship because I thought I had messed up my life so bad, not being able to keep a job or a relationship. Even when I learned that I was an HSP, it took over a year to leave because being in a bad relationship was safer then not knowing where I was going.

4. In, I think, more of my relationships, if I had known I was an HSP it might have either explained many things and would have made them last longer or ended quicker with less pain. With the last relationship if I had known about the HSP I would not have gotten into the relationship because I would have known that he was a drain on my emotions and my health. I would have seen that he really didn't care about my health or my feelings.

5. Letting my feel my emotions.

6. If I had known about the HSP then the relationship would not have happened. I would understand that most of my feelings were coming off of him and that there was no way I would have made him happy or would have been happy with him. I would not have gotten on the meds which I found out do not help for my emotions are my trait not a chemical imbalance. He is a narcissist and he is not willing to love me or anyone else that does not cater to him and him alone. The relationship was toxic and the end of it was not my fault but a necessity to my safety and well being.

Chapter 2 Going Deeper Mind Story

We are all unique and we are needing in this world even though we might not be seen as valuable. We think deeply before we take action and we would be the first to sense danger. But we are usually quiet and inverted. It is time to let people know how we think, what goes on in our heads by writing an adventure story that shows what our body and mind is like.

Cast
Brennan      Nersy
Bray           Harue
Ember        Bonner
Mya

The Escape

Brennan stood up, when the last person arrived to the daily morning huddle. Today he planned to make sure everyone understood what needed to be done. Each had a job to do if they were going to get out of this alive.

Looking over to Ember, Brennan knew she looked like the weakest of them all, but she was the most important to make all this work out. He knew he would have to be tough with her to get her going.

He knew Ember could feel him looking at her but she refused to look up. Her eyes, with tears rolling down cheeks, stared down at her hands as the index finger continued to make circles over her thumb of her right hand.

Nersy, her husband paced back and forth behind her, not stepping more than a few feet out of her reach just in case she needed him. Brennan knew that Nersy would be angry at him once he realizes how much pain his wife will be in when things start moving.

Bonner slipped lower in his seat as his shoulders curled in to try to make him look smaller. Only a select few saw the pain he was in, though Brennan didn't think that even Bonner himself knew how much pain he was in. It was as if speaking of the pain was bad luck. He, himself, did not believe is such a thing, but he kept quiet just the same. Beside Bonner was Mya who was just as silent with her pain as her husband. She clung onto his hand with fear she would have to let go.

Brennan's eyes found Harue. He could see how unsure she was with having this meeting; by the way she looked at each one of them, wanting to make things better. He knew that once she made her mind up on something, everyone else would follow. Brennan wished he could take her into his arms and take her pain away. He was one of the few who knew just how strong she was. He loved her strength, her smile, her laugh. It might be a long time before he would hear her laugh again.

Taking a deep breath, he tore his eyes from the woman he loved.  There was no reason to put this off any longer.

''We are going to do this now, no thinking, no turning back, and no second thought.'' They were not the words Bray had planned to say, but with one glance at his twin brother, he realized he took the words right out of Brennan's mouth.

''No, no, we cannot do this now.'' Nersy said as he stopped pacing and stood behind his wife. Ember reached up for his hand, looking for strength.

''Nersy, I can't do this, I am not ready yet.'' Ember said in a small voice.

Bray stepped behind his wife and gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze. Harue reached out and took Ember's arm and rubbed it. Bray’s felt the fluttery feeling of pride as he realized that his wife saw things his way. This gave him the strength to follow his brother with this. Now was the right time.

''We are doing this together; no one is being left behind.'' Bray heard in Bonner’s voice that he too was with them now. Bray felt the tension leave his body as each one of this little group decided that he was right. They all had to leave together and they all had to agree to do this.

There was many times where Bray and his brother would disagree. Brennan would want Bray to be less emotional and be strong; stand up and fight for what they believe. Bray wanted his brother to see that the others needed to be taken care off and not ignored all the time. They needed time to adjust to change and not just jump into things without much thought.

Brennan took his eyes away from his brother's wife.

''There is no time to talk about this any more. We leave now!'' Brennan knew he might have been a little harsh but they needed to get going. He headed out, not bothering to see if anyone was following.

No one said a word as each helped each other out of the seats and started following Brennan. Nersy took Ember's hand and gave her a reassuring squeeze. He never let go of her hand as they followed the others. Mya and Bonner were in each other’s arms as they pasted Bray at the door. Bray took the end of the group, as he watched his wife turn to Ember. He knew she was whispering encouragement as they walked away. No one looked back.This was a big step, walking away, leaving without a word to the “others.” But as they moved forward, the negative stayed behind.

Cast
Brennan - left brain     Nersy - nervous systom
Bray - right brain        Harue - heart
Ember - emotions       Bonner - body

Mya - muscles