Not 'Feel the Fear' but Social Psychology

I was going to start working on the "Feel the Fear" books after taking the day off on Sunday, but I got an email from a course I am taking in what I thought was two weeks saying that I could start it now so I did. At this time I am about over half of the videos watched and some reading done. There are many that looks like they are done. I love school and this course is going to be hard for me. But that does not mean I will not enjoy it. Oh and by the way, it is Social Psychology. I want to be in the 90s so that I get the chance to go to Stafford University and meet the Dali Lama. That would be sooooo cool. 

So all morning when I usually read emails and Facebook and do my blogging I was sitting in class (at home starting at the computer) watching my lectures and doing quizzes. I copied my reading assignment onto my Kobo so that I could read it when I had to make a trip out this afternoon. Now I have to get back and finish all the lectures so I can start doing my assignment. 
Ok so I will have almost three weeks to do it in but I have been one that likes to get things done right away or else I will wait until the last minute. Being only the first week, I am already learning so much about the way we see and think about things. As I take this course, I have to remember that being HSP I do think different, because of my LD I learn different and I might come out with different ideas and answers because of these. Maybe as I do this you will see a change in my thinking to, who knows.
So my plan is to share with you my assignments and my thoughts as I take this class and maybe add some of the book I was going to share with you, depending on how hard this class will be. From what I see it is not going to be a walk in the park, that is for sure.

Feel the Fear

Only a couple of days ago I ordered a book though a gift card I got and it got here in a matter of a few days. Yet a letter that was coming from Cambridge is not. Makes you wonder...
Anyways once I opened the book I realized I needed the other book to go with it. At least that one I could get through my Kobo Arc. SO I am starting a new workbook that I will be putting my answers here. And since I have so few people reading it I should not have any problems with people not liking it. These books are not about Highly Sensitive, but I think they will still help many who also have fears that they have to deal with.

The books are "Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway." and "Fear The Fear.. And Beyond" both are by Susan Jeffers. There books were pointed out by my Sister-in-common-law. She was reading them and thought I could use it so I got them and will be doing the exercises here to share with those who might like to follow along.

The first one:

The fears the run my life are...

the fear that people do not like me (mostly close friends and family of those close to me)
the fear that I will mess up
the fear that I will do something that will make those who I love angry at me
the fear that I would fail again
the fear that I will be emotional in public
the fear that I am not smart enough, good enough
the fear that I will never be the real me

Ok that is a start and they are very deep to me so I hope you will not hold them against me.

Returning to What You Dislike

Look at the list you made at the beginning, p. 33 of Elaine's workbook. We are going to go back to the list of things you didn't like about yourself. How do you feel about them now?

Write about how you see these dislikes of yours differently after working through the workbook. Do you accept your trait and understand who you are>

If you have made clear changes, accepted your trait, you are done. You have accepted who you are and happy being who you are. Congratulations it is time to celebrate.

After working through most of the workbook, I have not skipped too much, what I have not put up here I have done in my notebook. So why am I closing the book, well, for now I am done thought I might go back to it another time. I feel I have done all I can on this and I have other books that I would like to work with.

I feel I have grown and understand myself better from doing this workbook. I am stronger and I want to share with other what I have learned. I want to share with others that there are people like us in the world. I AM HSP, HEAR ME ROWER!

Medical care and Medication

Elaine's workbook said that "less than 10 percent of medical doctors are HSP and at least 45 percent of office visits are made by HSP" page, 213. Most of the trips I made has been because of stress related issues but have been called everything from Bipolar to anxiety. At the time I had no idea that my sensitivity was more part to what I was going through and I have been put on different medications I was not sure I really needed even thought I had these labels.

I found myself overwhelmed with these labels and medications and they did not seam to help. Oh the last one did help clear the head a bit, but just about anything would when you were in tears every day because of the events that were happening on a daily bases. I was not depressed, it was not a chemical thing when someone is saying nasty things every day. They were not me thinking of the past of what was said, they were being said daily.

He wanted me to go on medication in hope that it would control my feelings but it only calmed my mind enough to realize that I needed to leave. No one should even be treated the way I was letting myself being treated.

Now I am fighting to get off the medication I have been on for two years. While I was on it I thought it was helping. I was not as emotional as much but I was still having anxiety. As I was reading about being HSP and realized that the medication was not really doing anything. I was not really going through anxiety. I need to learn the differences of being anxious or being overwhelmed. My moods are doing great for I am not in a bad situation and my life is much more relaxed. I have been the one that was doing all the work.

Now it is about getting off the medication and to make sure that people listen to me. I am HSP, not Bipolar or depressed or anxious. No medication that helps with the chemical imbalance is going to help something that I am born with and is the sensitivity of my nervous system.

So I am continue to learn to stay healthier without the medication I am fighting to get out of my body now. I am using gentler treatments that will help me such as doing mediation every morning. This gives me a calmer start in my morning so I am not just jumping up and starting my day on a run. I have never smoked or done street drugs, though what I have gone through getting off the legal drug has not been fun, I hardly drink and love the mock drinks better. I cooking most of my foods from scratch so my body is not leaded down with crap.

Now it is learning how to talk to the doctor about it so that I never have to be put on the medication any more. I need to learn how to explain that I am healthy and the emotions I show are who I am, not some chemical imbalance. I am fine, I am healthy and for the first time in more years then I can think of I am happy.

Telling the Story

When you have deep wounds it is best to write the story, not blaming anyone but just write what had happened. You need to stop feeling the hurt that is keeping you from moving on. People might not want to hear what you have to say. They may think that you are going on and on about it, but by talking about it or writing about it helps heal the pain. You are not a hero by keeping it all in. I should know, I have been keeping things in all my life. But then I started writing, it might have been fiction, but the pain that was in the stories are very real. By writing that gave me the courage to talk about it.
I now talk about it, but it has slowed down because my life now is a lot less painful. Because I have looked at the different traumas and wrote about it in my words I was able to move on. I am now with someone who does not have the bad traits I had found myself being with in the past. I have learned from looking at what had happened and working with this workbook. Letting go is not easy, but it is important to move on.

Reframing a Moment in your Relationship

This one will be the hardest and those who know me might not want to see what I was feeling or what I thought. I am sure if some of them read this I will be told that I am wrong or that I should not say anything. But these are my feeling and I think about it. I have to deal with them this way so that I can not make the same mistakes again.

The relationship I am reframing is one of the ones that I feel had done the worst damage. By doing so it will take care of the others also.

1. Anger, depression, frustration, anxiety, overwhelmed, lack of trust, pushed. Him angry at me. His calling me bitch when he was drunk and five minutes later wanting to get into bed with me and have sex like the rest didn't happen. Him loading me down with all his issues but not allowing me time to speak about anything I might think or feel. Him telling me that he had done things I had said no about, days after it happened. "Asking for forgiveness was easier than asking for permission."

2. I feel like I wasted five years being with him. I feel guilt for the harm that I caused all the children let alone myself. I am hurt that his children will have nothing to do with me after all the love I gave them. I am angry at myself for falling for his charm and staying as long as I did when I knew I had to leave. I am upset that I have let this anger stay inside me.

3. Because of the HSP's I tend to be motherly and I thought I could be a mother to his kids. Thinking that I could do this, I put my own hurt a side to be a mother to them, thinking love will heal all. I also though I deserved the bad relationship because I thought I had messed up my life so bad, not being able to keep a job or a relationship. Even when I learned that I was an HSP, it took over a year to leave because being in a bad relationship was safer then not knowing where I was going.

4. In, I think, more of my relationships, if I had known I was an HSP it might have either explained many things and would have made them last longer or ended quicker with less pain. With the last relationship if I had known about the HSP I would not have gotten into the relationship because I would have known that he was a drain on my emotions and my health. I would have seen that he really didn't care about my health or my feelings.

5. Letting my feel my emotions.

6. If I had known about the HSP then the relationship would not have happened. I would understand that most of my feelings were coming off of him and that there was no way I would have made him happy or would have been happy with him. I would not have gotten on the meds which I found out do not help for my emotions are my trait not a chemical imbalance. He is a narcissist and he is not willing to love me or anyone else that does not cater to him and him alone. The relationship was toxic and the end of it was not my fault but a necessity to my safety and well being.

Chapter 7: Close Relationships

Having relationships is part of life, whether it is just friends or a more closer relationship. As a HSP in a non-HSP world, it is hard not to have to have contact with non-HSP. But what is better for a closer relationship?

 

I never knew any of this until the last year so all my relationships were without the thought about my HSP. I think this has made things harder. I did not understand that I had pushed myself so hard to be like a non-HSP. This does not work out at all. You need to know yourself, you know that saying, love yourself before loving others. I was never good at that. 

I know see that you need to know and love yourself as an HSP so that you know what your limits are and how you can blend in with others whether they are HSP's or non. My children are also HSP and living with them most of the time is great, they do not want the loud world in our home. They are calmer most of the time. There are the meltdowns, when one gets overwhelmed then it can spread to the rest and the whole house is upset.

The big thing is to look at temperaments of each. If one is more out going or needs more thrills in their life, they might not work well with someone who is calmer. But if there is love, sometimes things can work out. There are always a group who go out and do things that are common and come home to their loving partner for some quiet time. It is a matter of balance and understanding each other. 

Sometimes though, it just not works out. You need to look at whether this is due to the past relationships on yours or their side of things. If you feel that past relationships are hindering you relationship now, maybe there is a little reframing to do. We have been doing reframing for a bit now so you might want to give it a try on your own. 

I plan to put mine up tomorrow.

No Work

I have been working for a while and I do not take a day off because I am always doing something. Well today I am taking time off. I will not be writing a blog, but will add some pictures of the lavender farm I went to this morning thanks to my wonderful sweetheart. The farm was a tobacco farm and it is now lavender and wine. I wonder if they make lavender wine? Will have to check that out.

Reframing a Critical Moment in my Work Place.

I am going to reframe a moment in my work, why I had to leave a job. So lets get right into it.

1. When I lost my job at the community centre I was feeling very anxious. I was very upset because I got a sign a few days before hand that they had an replacement for me. When I was brought in, I was told I was acting like a child because I was crying. I was angry that as a community they should be supportive of the people yet they were treating me the way they were.

2. I had always felt defeated about losing a job that I thought I liked. I thought I loved the job and it was a good fit just that the new manager didn't like me.

3. Now that I know about my HSP, I realize that the job was not all the healthy for me. If I had stayed with doing one or two f the jobs I would not have felt so overwhelmed. I might have been able to explain to the new manager why I was the way I am.

4. I think if I had known about the HSP, talking to the manager and being accused of not participating with the other would have been explained and maybe understand why I was the way I was.

5. is just allowing me to feel my feelings about the new look at the event.

6. As a community cantre I feel that they should have been much more supportive. But at the same time, no one understood what HSP was and how to deal with it. I think if I had known and was able to explain to the manager, I might have been about to keep some of the jobs.But some of the jobs were not the right fit for me and I would have been able to let them go without the feeling of not being good enough. If I had known about the HSP I think I would have been a benefit for the centre in understanding others who as also HSP.

Writing a Letter

One of the hardest thing for me is to sell myself for make my talents in an interview or even in casual conversation. But when looking for work or job change you need to write a cover letter or bring a few things to their attention. So I thought I would give it a try and share it with you.

I would bring a few assets to this position with my experience in running my own business. Many have noticed I have a sensitivity to subtitle changes in the environment around me which helps with the wants and needs of my customers. I am work well independently and dislike making errors. I take special care in understanding what the customer wants and have a good eye for detail.

I enjoy taking my time in learning new technics and thinking out side the box. I find that maximizing this sensitivity requires a certain amount of calmness in the work place which then pays off by the quality of work. I am open to ideas and loyal when I feel that I fit in with the other employees.

OK, this might not be the best cover letter, but you might get the idea here. I hope this helps with others who are HSP have an idea what to write for theirs.

Chapter 6: Work and Sensitivity

This is one of the reasons I needed to do this workbook. Being HSP I have had a really hard time finding where I fit. School was bad but I learned later that home school would have been a better fit for me. But that was not how it went and I have moved past that now. 

One of the hard things is that I have been told what I should be or do. I try to do the jobs I am told to do. I try to be what other want me to be, only to lose the jobs. It is hard to find a job that I am good at and pays. 

So I tried to start my own business. It was doing what I enjoy doing and maybe make a paycheck that I could live on. It did not work. At this time I am not making much, but I am OK with that. I still enjoy making the jewelry.

I had spent a lot of time in jobs that I was not happy in, I have special abilities and needs that makes me looked at and treated differently. I was let go for being too slow or not being happy enough. I was not really slow, I just processed things differently and took in too much at times. And not being happy. No matter how hard I tried I could not put a fake smile on my face. I looked like Sheldon on Big Bang Theory. I was never understood, but I didn't understand either.

In Elaine's workbook, page 140, she said that, "Our trait is basically a 'human diversity in the workplace' issue"... "Biologically, we HSPs are different." People like us for out creativity, vision, vigilance for errors and many other things. But once our other side starts to show, the overwhelming we feel, that we need some down time, we feel like we are being discriminated against. 

"Someday we will be valued." I would like to believe Elaine. I hope in time people will see the value of the information we have such as how to make an office space more quiet or the need for all worker to de-stress. 

But until the workplace changes, I will always have problems in the workplace. However, the first task is to appreciate myself as an HSP and teach others to appreciate my sensitivity.

Analyzing Social Flops

If you are thinking that you are awkward in social situations think about why. There are a bunch of reasons why you might think you are but do they really fit or are you over-thinking as we tend to do. Here is the list of what might be going on according to Elaine's workbook p.124 -127.

* The other person didn't seem to want to talk to you.

* The other person didn't want to talk to anyone right now.

* It's you who really didn't want to talk.

* You just couldn't think of anything to say.

* You did all the talking.

* The other person did all the talking and you felt bored.

* The other person walked away after a while.

* The other person was rude, argumentative.

We are not big on chit chat for we love the deeper talk and that is what gives us a hard time when it comes to social get-togethers. There might be times that you might have not socialized as well as you thought you should have. My thought is not to worry about it. But maybe you feel you need to reframe it. Well as you saw in the other blogs, you can do that. I am trying not to worry about others might thing of my flops in social settings. 

Chapter 5: In the Social World

I am part of the 70% introvert HSP. I really never thought about it that much, I just lived my life. But looking back I see that I was more in than out. I had no trouble staying in and reading or learning something on my own. But I didn't keep myself from going out when I was asked to go out or if I needed to go out. I had used my 'bubble' and just did what needed or wanted to get done and socialized with the people I was with. 

OK, I didn't realize that I had been seen as 'unfriendly' because I just going on doing what I was, protecting myself from being overwhelmed. I do not see myself as being withdrawn from the world, just not being a big part of the world outside my home. There is more then enough to do inside to try to run around outside getting that stuff done to.

Maybe some of the things from my past has something to so with my "shyness" such as what I had written yesterday. I am told not to worry about what others think about me, and as you know, being HSP, it is hard not to feel what people think about you so it is just as easy not to be around people so that I do not have to feel that. Sometimes it is hard to avoid having to talk to people that give off the feeling that they just do not like you. I try to avoid talking to them as much as possible.

So what do you do to get yourself out of being shy.

Well, first of all, stop labeling yourself or let anyone else label you as shy. Remember that we need to protect ourselves from being overwhelmed when we are 'out' in the world. And for me, the big one is that you need to stop expecting yourself in being like a non-HSP who is an extrovert. Love and Accept who and what you are. That is what I am learning.