This one will be the hardest and those who know me might not want to see what I was feeling or what I thought. I am sure if some of them read this I will be told that I am wrong or that I should not say anything. But these are my feeling and I think about it. I have to deal with them this way so that I can not make the same mistakes again.
The relationship I am reframing is one of the ones that I feel had done the worst damage. By doing so it will take care of the others also.
1. Anger, depression, frustration, anxiety, overwhelmed, lack of trust, pushed. Him angry at me. His calling me bitch when he was drunk and five minutes later wanting to get into bed with me and have sex like the rest didn't happen. Him loading me down with all his issues but not allowing me time to speak about anything I might think or feel. Him telling me that he had done things I had said no about, days after it happened. "Asking for forgiveness was easier than asking for permission."
2. I feel like I wasted five years being with him. I feel guilt for the harm that I caused all the children let alone myself. I am hurt that his children will have nothing to do with me after all the love I gave them. I am angry at myself for falling for his charm and staying as long as I did when I knew I had to leave. I am upset that I have let this anger stay inside me.
3. Because of the HSP's I tend to be motherly and I thought I could be a mother to his kids. Thinking that I could do this, I put my own hurt a side to be a mother to them, thinking love will heal all. I also though I deserved the bad relationship because I thought I had messed up my life so bad, not being able to keep a job or a relationship. Even when I learned that I was an HSP, it took over a year to leave because being in a bad relationship was safer then not knowing where I was going.
4. In, I think, more of my relationships, if I had known I was an HSP it might have either explained many things and would have made them last longer or ended quicker with less pain. With the last relationship if I had known about the HSP I would not have gotten into the relationship because I would have known that he was a drain on my emotions and my health. I would have seen that he really didn't care about my health or my feelings.
5. Letting my feel my emotions.
6. If I had known about the HSP then the relationship would not have happened. I would understand that most of my feelings were coming off of him and that there was no way I would have made him happy or would have been happy with him. I would not have gotten on the meds which I found out do not help for my emotions are my trait not a chemical imbalance. He is a narcissist and he is not willing to love me or anyone else that does not cater to him and him alone. The relationship was toxic and the end of it was not my fault but a necessity to my safety and well being.
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