Chapter 4 Your Childhood

As Lady Gaga said "I was born this way" and this is true about being highly sensitive. It seems to be hard to explain to non-HSP's that this is a trait that we were born with and not something that we 'learned'. Like blue eyes, I think I am the only one who has blue eyes out of my parents and my brother. I am also the only one who has kept a blondish colour hair. You can wear coloured contacts and you can dye your hair, but you are still the colour you are born with.

Being highly sensitive is what I am and I have accepted it. No one knew anything about it when I grew up and all the attention was put on helping me with my learning disability. Having both growing up has made my childhood difficult but not in the family home. I got the best support they could give, not knowing about the HS. They did what they could get get me help with my learning disability, even got into a privet school to help me with it. It is now really looked at as learning differences for I learned differently than others.

Being highly sensitive is also learning differently in that we take in more information and process it differently. I think since sensory processing sensitivity was not even thought of while I was growing up, the 'depressions' and shyness I was going through was a mix of both the learning and sensitivity differences. So when they thought that once I was helped with the learning disability it would help get rid of the depression. That was not the case and I still had ups and downs.

So, assessing my early childhood attachment style. I feel that my mother (the prime caretaker) was loving and was aware of my sensitivity though no one knew it as a trait. She was helpful when I needed it (or asked) and let me learn on my own when I needed. I have good memories of that part of growing up.

School was a whole different problem. I remember the teacher saying I was cheating. I had a habit of starting into space to daydream, or to 'see' answers on blank wall. She keep telling me that I was cheating. I was then made to see in front of the class. This would have been bad enough, but then there was a cardboard divider put around me, a box so that I could not see the class. To me that was the most embarrassing moment in my life. Not only was I pointed out as a 'cheater' I was also pointed out as different from everyone else. I remember that there was a kid in the class that had ADHD and he was able to sit in the back of the class and just roll around on the floor and 'play', ignored for his difference.

This made me feel that I was 'wrong' to be different, because I thought differently I was treated differently. Part of it was my learning disability part of it was because of my HSP. I was very sensitive in how I was treated.

I never wanted to seen as different. Different was looked at as someone to make fun of. Being on the front of the class made me feel like everyone was looking at me, watching me even thought the box was hiding me.

If the teacher and my parents knew I was HSP maybe I would not have been pointed out as much. Maybe I would have had the strength to say that I was not cheating but 'daydreaming' for the answer. I might not have felt so different and I would not feel that school was a hurtful place to go.

There was nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me. I am just different, but not alone, there are many just like me. I have wonderful, interesting qualities such as my passion for creativity. I needed to be raised with special care, though they learned about the learning disability, no one new about the HSP trait. Above all, I needed to have more successful experiences and never been shamed for the sensitive reaction. A lot of pain would have been prevented if people knew about the trait but I am a more compassionate person because of it.