Reframing Adolescene

I didn't do this one ahead of time so it might take a bit to get this done.

Reframing one of the most painful moments in adolescence is a very hard thing to do and maybe that was why I did not do it. There are a number to times that I could pick, but I think I was hoping to block them all out. But there are times that they do come back and it is time that I pick one and take a good look at it.

... I had one in mind, and was going to do that one, but then another one came to mind that I think is more painful and might explain a few things in my life. Again I think it is something my parents did not know about.

When I about 8 my family had to move because my father was in the air force. I had a few friends, one was a boy and it was that young boyfriend girlfriend thing that is all innocent and the most you do is maybe hold hands. I told this boy that I was coming back in four years. I did not know if I really would or not, my father could be transferred anywhere. But I was sure I would be coming back and see him.

I did come back to the same base. I was now 13. All the girls and boys were starting to 'date' still not to the point of doing anything towards the sexual, but still the girls were being excerpted by the guys. I realized that the boy was still there to. I got the guts to tell him that I was back, that we could be friends again.

I was shot down. I was told that I was stupid to think he would even know me. He wanted nothing to do with me and he put me down in front of his friends.

1. I was so embarrassed. I felt unwanted, ugly and stupid. I was crying and heartbroken.

2. I think since I have had a greater fear of not being liked. I am always willing to do whatever I need to, to be liked and loved. This means I have lost who I am so many times trying to make other to like me, to love me, and not to be angry at me.

3. Being sensitive, I have taken what people think of me very personally. I fear that people will think of me in the same way as he did that day. I have a hard time believing people who think that who I really am is good enough, beautiful or even close to smart.

4. I do not think if they had known about my sensitivity that it would have made any difference. Kids are cruel and they do not worry about other's feelings and might even use that even more.

5. If I had known about the sensitivity at that age, maybe I would not have let the even shape what I thought about myself and I would not have spent so many years trying to be not what I was, and not what people thought of me dictate must of my life.

6. My sensitivity had affected the way I looked at myself, making me afraid to trust anyone who had anything nice to say about myself. I had no one to help me understand that I was too sensitive to what he had said and that just because he might have felt that way, does not mean that everyone else did. I am not stupid, I am lovable and wanted. U am just sensitive.